It's been a while...

It's been a while since my heart and stomach fluttered like this. That feeling when all of a sudden, you are crushing on someone you really don't know. As in you just saw for the first time.

Alright, here is the story.

My mom recently had an emergency and we went to the hospital. And "bam!". There, I saw someone that made my insides flutter. I felt that "butterflies in the stomach" kind of thing again. Haha.
He is a doctor. He was performing a minor surgery in the E.R. And boy was I smitten. The moment he walks in the room, my eyes were glued on him. If that is the feeling of finding your soulmate, then how I wish he is the one.

And because I am so good in finding people with the use of Facebook and Google, I found his name. Haha. Me and my tracking skills. His name, well, is Jun Jandoc. Way closer to the nickname that I gave him, which is Jan.

I'm way too afraid to post his picture here because it will be automatically downloaded in my other phone, which my brother is currently using.

Well, I guess I'll just leave it to destiny. If he's my other half, we will cross each other's paths again and fall in love. If he's the one, then I'll be glad to re-read this entry with him.
But if he's not, then I guess this entry will be listed among all other entries here in my blog that will tackle guys that smitten me during the course of my single life.

Till next time. ^^

Robotic... Not a perfect daughter...

Everybody thinks I'm a perfect daughter.

Silent. Not talking back to elders. Obeying what they say or want me to do.

But what I really am is a robot. Always saying yes to what they say. Always doing what they want me to do. Because I am afraid that the "perfect daughter" title will be taken away from me.

Maybe, there really is no such thing as perfect... I am just making that one up...

Valentines Day...

Valentines day. Couples dating, wearing red. Uggh. Yuck.


 I haven't spend Valentines for 5 years in a row now. And I think I'm A-okay. However, I also think that I do want a date for this day as well. To feel special on this "special" day.

 But here I am, spending time writing this blog.

 But I'm happy. That's life. I just think that this day is the most overrated occasion for the whole year. For me, it's not a big deal. Oftentimes, I am always thinking that this is the most expensive day ever. 


But, just like any other single girls out there, I have my dream date for this special day.

Wesley Chan. Of all the guys I like before, I think you are the most "real" of them all. You are my inspiration now a days. My muse. Sometimes, I think, "Why am I not living in California as well?". Perhaps there may be a reason.


But, what if I will have a date with him? What would it be like?


Based on what I see about his personality, our date will just be a simple one. It will consist of a walk in the park, or a nature reserve. Then, we will take photos of each other taking pictures of nature. Oftentimes, we will walk hand in hand, taking care of each other while we traverse the forest. After that, we will drive to a scenic spot, maybe a cliff, to watch the sunset, his arms in my shoulder while I'm leaning on him. Then, we will have dinner in a not-so fancy restaurant. After eating, he will drive me home. But before I get down from his car, he will kiss me in the lips. But just a peck. A 2 second kiss. haha.

Omo. Me and my imaginations. They are so romantic. Le sigh.

Anyways, those are just my thoughts. Naivety. haha. There's no harm with that.

Oh, before I forgot. I dreamed of him last night. We were a couple. Le sigh again.

Crossroads...

It's been awhile since I last wrote an entry here in Blogspot. My last entry date was Tuesday, August 17, 2010. A lot of things happened already since that day. Tuesday, August 17, 2010. I was only 21 years old then, turning 22. I was quite naive back then. Childish I may say. 2010. I was still a teacher. A Saem as my students call me. I was enjoying teaching kids English.

Back then, I consider my job as a past time, and my workplace as a playground. I was the happiest teacher in the school, as they say. But I do have my share of not-so-good moments. But all in all, I really enjoyed my job.


 But there came a time that I saw myself not enjoying what I am doing. Past time became a tedious work. Playground became hell. That was the time that I told myself "Enough". There's no use to whining silently. I've already pushed myself to the limit. It's time to quit. So quit it was.


 2011 came. I became a tech support for Comcast (through Convergys).

I told myself, "I think this job is going to be fun". Though admittedly, I loathe this job before. Same old thing. Work is fun that I considered it child's play. Workplace is a playground again.

But I can't keep up with the ever so changing schedule. Stress is fast creeping up. I was living a very unhealthy lifestyle. Because I work for a US-based company, my shift should be in their time. Meaning, I work at midnight so that I can answer queries for daytime US customers. For a whole year, my daily routine is wake up-eat-work-eat-go home-eat-sleep-then wake up again. It's like a never ending cycle. Off days are spend sleeping the whole day. No social life whatsoever. I will wait for a 2-days straight off days so that I can spend time with my family. Weekends off are very rare. I usually have a Wednesday-Thursday off. Not a good one.

What I love about this job is the camaraderie with my team. I miss them so much. Shout out to Wave 5! ^^ Also, I really love chatting with my customers. And the satisfaction that I get when I get their problems resolve? Endless.

But then, as an agent, we became some sort of a sponge for our customers' rants. Apologizing to them became a routine. It's like saying sorry half-heartedly or you don't care at all but to appease them. That's it. But then, my body can't keep up with all the stress this job has. Eventually, for my own health, I quit this job.

For now, I'm FUNEMPLOYED. I am taking my time off to reflect what I really should do with my life. I'm already 24 years old. I should now decide what I really want to be. I'm not getting young. Mom said that I will go study again, for my own welfare. Alright, I said. It's for my own good. But is this what I really want? Maybe, having a stable job will be good. But I will put my passion into a hobby so that I will not be burn out of it.

painfully loving you

Hearing this song before makes me want to sing. But hearing this song now makes me want to cry.


Can we teach our hearts to love another if the person we like doesn't seem to bother? Can we just scream as if there's no tomorrow? Can we just walk out of the door and pretend nothing happened? I just wish I can do all of this.


I'll try to be serious. I like him now. Maybe, the feelings I have is not even liking but love already. Maybe that is the reason why I'm like this. After 2 years, it's the first time that I've felt this feeling again. The feeling of hurt, sadness...

Others say that he's not worth it. Whenever they say that, I'm feeling a bit sad already. But that's what happened with "one sided" love. Having that kind of love will bring more sufferings. I didn't know that it is so painful. I should have just kept it inside forever.

I'm also hurt whenever my mom will say that I already have a boyfriend now. It hurts even more when they believe that the reason why I always arrive later than usual in our house is because I have a date. Maybe the reason why I was hurt is because part of me is wishing that what my mom was saying is true and the other part is just plain pissed off because it's not true.


With what's happening to me right now, add the bickering of my mom about her life, I can say that I'm not happy with it. I just wish that I did not chose you. I wish it was someone else. But my heart says its you... I just wish that I could dictate it to what it should do, who to love and not to love....

.....

I've been such a stupid person this past week... And I really regret it.... How I wish I just kept my mouth shut or I acted as if nothing is wrong nor was I affected on what they've said..


Me and my stupid feelings.. Because of that, I think I lost a friend....

Me and my stupid feelings... How I wish I just kept it as a secret.

Me and my stupid feelings... Even if you don't say it, I can feel it...

Or maybe you're just keeping your feelings away from me... But you're hurting me now unintentionally because of what you are doing.

I just wish you'll stay as my friend. Because I'm trying to act as if there's nothing...

ridiculous as it may seems... crazy as it may seems

Here I am again... blogging my frustrations..

Being in love is a wonderful feeling, isn't it? But being in love with the wrong person, not a great one.


Let's see. I'm in love with this person. But seriously, I don't know whether it is love or infatuation. Up to now, I don't know what's the difference between the two.


His name is Choi Siwon. Yup! The Super Junior guy. "Shisus" as what,us, his "followers" call him. He's the epitome of what I want in a guy. Tall, handsome, chinky-eyed, a very religious person, very kind (I think), and gentleman. And not to mention, he's rich! (His family owns a chain of supermrkets in Korea). Who doesn't want to have him as a boyfriend and, maybe, a husband? Me? certainly, I would love him to be my husband, no questions asked.

I was happy to know at first that he doesn't have a girlfriend. Thoughts like "I have a chance of becoming his girlfriend" and "I want to go to Korea so I can meet him and be my love" constantly runs in my head. When Super Show 2 was here in Manila, I screamed my heart out just to cheer for him. Crazy fan girl things, I know. That's my life out of our Hagwon. By day, I'm an ESL teacher, but once outside, I'm a fan girl. And I'm not ashamed of it.

Siwon-oppa has a twitter. And, you guess it right, I'm following him. I constantly send messages to him. There was a time when I send a tweet to him, saying "Saranghae". Lol. I am crazy. But he doesn't know me, so I don't care.

But yeah.... he doesn't know me.... what can I do.....


Today, I found out that he has a girlfriend. And her name is Stella Kim. The moment I knew about this, feelings that I don't want to experience again suddenly came running back to me like a rabid dog that wants to kill me. Yup! Those same feelings when my ex-boyfriend betrayed me. Feelings that I felt when I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. Yup! Those same feelings... feeling of sadness, feeling of despair, feeling of loneliness... Yes, yes, yes.... I'm experiencing it again.


But yeah.... he doesn't know me.... what can I do.....


I'm just a fangirl. And I share him with thousands of other fangirls around the globe. Why would I waste my time to feel this kind of pain that I'm feeling now? Why would I waste my time on him? Because I love him. Because when you love someone, you must be happy for them, no matter what. And because of him, I became much more closer to Hana-nim. Because of him, I always have the strength to face all of life's trials. Because he is my inspiration. And forever, he will be.




~Kim Ae-ri




P.S. By the way, I don't like Stella. Not because he is oppa's girlfriend. But because I just don't like her. Kidding aside, I'm much more healthier looking than her. She's so thin, gosh!


P.P.S. Siwon oppa! You're not yet married, so I still have chance! hahahahaha!