painfully loving you

Hearing this song before makes me want to sing. But hearing this song now makes me want to cry.


Can we teach our hearts to love another if the person we like doesn't seem to bother? Can we just scream as if there's no tomorrow? Can we just walk out of the door and pretend nothing happened? I just wish I can do all of this.


I'll try to be serious. I like him now. Maybe, the feelings I have is not even liking but love already. Maybe that is the reason why I'm like this. After 2 years, it's the first time that I've felt this feeling again. The feeling of hurt, sadness...

Others say that he's not worth it. Whenever they say that, I'm feeling a bit sad already. But that's what happened with "one sided" love. Having that kind of love will bring more sufferings. I didn't know that it is so painful. I should have just kept it inside forever.

I'm also hurt whenever my mom will say that I already have a boyfriend now. It hurts even more when they believe that the reason why I always arrive later than usual in our house is because I have a date. Maybe the reason why I was hurt is because part of me is wishing that what my mom was saying is true and the other part is just plain pissed off because it's not true.


With what's happening to me right now, add the bickering of my mom about her life, I can say that I'm not happy with it. I just wish that I did not chose you. I wish it was someone else. But my heart says its you... I just wish that I could dictate it to what it should do, who to love and not to love....

.....

I've been such a stupid person this past week... And I really regret it.... How I wish I just kept my mouth shut or I acted as if nothing is wrong nor was I affected on what they've said..


Me and my stupid feelings.. Because of that, I think I lost a friend....

Me and my stupid feelings... How I wish I just kept it as a secret.

Me and my stupid feelings... Even if you don't say it, I can feel it...

Or maybe you're just keeping your feelings away from me... But you're hurting me now unintentionally because of what you are doing.

I just wish you'll stay as my friend. Because I'm trying to act as if there's nothing...

ridiculous as it may seems... crazy as it may seems

Here I am again... blogging my frustrations..

Being in love is a wonderful feeling, isn't it? But being in love with the wrong person, not a great one.


Let's see. I'm in love with this person. But seriously, I don't know whether it is love or infatuation. Up to now, I don't know what's the difference between the two.


His name is Choi Siwon. Yup! The Super Junior guy. "Shisus" as what,us, his "followers" call him. He's the epitome of what I want in a guy. Tall, handsome, chinky-eyed, a very religious person, very kind (I think), and gentleman. And not to mention, he's rich! (His family owns a chain of supermrkets in Korea). Who doesn't want to have him as a boyfriend and, maybe, a husband? Me? certainly, I would love him to be my husband, no questions asked.

I was happy to know at first that he doesn't have a girlfriend. Thoughts like "I have a chance of becoming his girlfriend" and "I want to go to Korea so I can meet him and be my love" constantly runs in my head. When Super Show 2 was here in Manila, I screamed my heart out just to cheer for him. Crazy fan girl things, I know. That's my life out of our Hagwon. By day, I'm an ESL teacher, but once outside, I'm a fan girl. And I'm not ashamed of it.

Siwon-oppa has a twitter. And, you guess it right, I'm following him. I constantly send messages to him. There was a time when I send a tweet to him, saying "Saranghae". Lol. I am crazy. But he doesn't know me, so I don't care.

But yeah.... he doesn't know me.... what can I do.....


Today, I found out that he has a girlfriend. And her name is Stella Kim. The moment I knew about this, feelings that I don't want to experience again suddenly came running back to me like a rabid dog that wants to kill me. Yup! Those same feelings when my ex-boyfriend betrayed me. Feelings that I felt when I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. Yup! Those same feelings... feeling of sadness, feeling of despair, feeling of loneliness... Yes, yes, yes.... I'm experiencing it again.


But yeah.... he doesn't know me.... what can I do.....


I'm just a fangirl. And I share him with thousands of other fangirls around the globe. Why would I waste my time to feel this kind of pain that I'm feeling now? Why would I waste my time on him? Because I love him. Because when you love someone, you must be happy for them, no matter what. And because of him, I became much more closer to Hana-nim. Because of him, I always have the strength to face all of life's trials. Because he is my inspiration. And forever, he will be.




~Kim Ae-ri




P.S. By the way, I don't like Stella. Not because he is oppa's girlfriend. But because I just don't like her. Kidding aside, I'm much more healthier looking than her. She's so thin, gosh!


P.P.S. Siwon oppa! You're not yet married, so I still have chance! hahahahaha!

Out of boredom...

Okay.. So I'm a KPOP fanatic for so many years now (Let me check... it's been 8 years I think??? MEMORY GAP!) And by that, there are times na I'm obsessed with the music and there are times na hindi gaano. Maybe because I was preoccupied by other things.

Being a KPOP fan is not that easy. As a KPOP fan for many years now, I grew fond with the Korean culture also. And by that, I tried learning their language. You will notice naman pag ang isang tao is a true-blue-KPOP-fanatic. Not because pareho na sila mag-dress ng mga koreans. It's because we can "READ" and write Hangul.

Why did I emphasize on the word "READ"? It means na almost all Kpop fans just know how to read Hangul but don't understand it. And kasama ako dun sa almost na yun. So because of that, we can sing in a Noraebang (Korean KTV).

Before, I always find myself weird kasi walang maka-relate sa aking Kpop fandom. Kami lang ng friend ko na si Angie ang nakaka-relate. We will always talk about DBSK kasi that's our fave before. Siya DBSK tapos ako Shinhwa. I even made my Kpop fandom as my school projects eh. Like nung sa Advertising class ko, I used my being a fangirl and relate my problems as a Kpop merchandise customer who always look for a cheap Kpop merchandise. Kaya yung prinopose ko na business is yung Asian music store, which caters to Kpop, Cpop, and Jpop. Pero I still remember kung paano ako criniticize ng aking aking professor about my proposal. Pero luckily, I still got a high grade (if I'm not mistaken, 90+ yung grade ko dun). And then come Creative writing class. I'm so excited with this one because I wrot my first ever Fan fic. And because I was so obssessed with Shinhwa, I use Andy Lee as one of my main characters.

And now, ang dami ng fan girls and fan boys. Siguro almost 70% dyan ang mawawala once nag-pass na ang Hallyu wave dito sa Philippines. And I just think, sila yung mga pumapatol sa mga Kpop haters, which I dont like. Because 1. Hindi matatapos yung away pag pinapatulan nila. 2. Nagmu-mukha lang tayong pathetic.
I just want the old days. Yung parang pag Kpop fan ka, ang sosyal mo kasi gumagastos ka ng malaki just for your fandom. Nowadays, pag sinabing Kpop fan ka, sasabihin nila "ay.. Jologs!" which hurts me.. a lot! kasi hindi naman kami jologs in the first place. saka ang dami ng naglipanang mga Kpop wanna bes sa tabi tabi. Ang dami ng naka Kpop fashion. Naglipanana sila. as in! tapos parang ang alam lang nila is yung mga english lyrics nung songs. Hindi naman nila makanta ng buo yung song. Yun bang ang alam lang is "Sorry sorry sorry" or di kaya "I don't care eh eh eh eh.." or "I want Nobody nobody but you!" What the heck! give me a break!


Anyways.. That's just my thought....


And one thing pa pala.. I just remember this. Yung mom ko, nakakatuwa kasi ayaw niya sa Super Junior kasi kailangang titigan mo muna daw ng matagal bago mo masabing guwapo. Compared daw sa UKISS na isang tingin palang guwapo na. We always argue with that. Tapos ang sympathy niya, lagi nasa UKISS. Feeling daw niya mino-molestiya yung mga members. Sagot ko naman, "Ma, di mo ba alam sa SM entertainment, kung saan naka sign yung Suju, binubugbog naman sila dun." which is true naman daw. Pero my mom still has her sympathy sa UKISS.. AISH!!! pero don't get me wrong. I'm a UKISS fan although hindi ako makakapanood ng concert nila kasi inuna ko muna pagka-E.L.F. ko.



Okay.. Till next time.. Annyeong!!!

....

I feel kinda confuse this past few days.. I don't know why. But I just want to burst it all out here. In this blog. No one is reading this blog anyways, so I can say whatever I want to say.


Firstly, I'm facing a big dilemma now. Should I go or not? This are the questions that are constantly circulating my gray organ. I want to stay, but my brother doesn't want me to... What should I do... and gosh! the song that's playing right now is "holding back the tears". But I can't hold it! damn it!!!! I don't know what to do! I didn't even know that I'm going to this situation again.

Why do we need to think?!!! I'm so darn full of it already!!! With all this thinking! It feels like my brain already wants to explode in gazillion pieces. Brain, can you explode?as in now?! please...