Of Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)...

I have to admit. Although I haven't seek medical attention yet, I have PMDD.

What is PMDD? This is a severe form of Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. So severe that it can disable a person and rupture her relationships.

According to www.mayoclinic.com "Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe, sometimes disabling extension of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Although regular PMS and PMDD both have physical and emotional symptoms, PMDD causes extreme mood shifts that can disrupt your work and damage your relationships."

"In both PMDD and PMS, symptoms usually begin seven to 10 days before your period starts and continue for the first few days that you have your period. Both PMDD and PMS may also cause bloating, breast tenderness, fatigue, and changes in sleep and eating habits. In PMDD, however, at least one of these emotional and behavioral symptoms stands out:

• Sadness or hopelessness

• Anxiety or tension

• Extreme moodiness

• Marked irritability or anger"

At least one of the behavioral symptoms. I always have 3 out of the 4.

Every 2nd week after my menstruation, extreme moodiness will always kick in. In an instant, I will be irritated with just about anything. Or I will crave for a certain food for a couple of days. Cravings like that of a pregnant woman. I will often feel myself salivating over a certain food and I will be contented for over a week just eating that food. I will also feel cramps, queasiness in the stomach as well even though it's not time for my menstruation yet.  I also have severe headache, feeling of bloatness, acne, and breast swelling.

I also cry. Yes. Even if it is for no reason. I can feel a sharp tug in my chest. Then I will feel so depressed that I will just resort to crying. This happens during the 2nd week, as well as during menstruation. 

Apathy. I just don't care about things that I normally care about. After the episodes, it'll be back to normal again.

Deep sadness. Usually, it results to depression. I usually just lock myself up in my room and cry. I cry so hard sometimes that I can't hardly breath anymore. Then, I will always think that I am so useless. That, if ever I kill myself, no one will care. I always have that thought. 

Yes, I do have suicidal tendencies as well. I once had an episode wherein I am already holding a scalpel in one hand, aiming it in my left wrist. I already had the blade so close to my skin that I can feel it's coldness. Coldness, I thought. Momentarily after that, my body would be lifeless and cold as well, just like that glimmering blade. And yeah, I always think that they won't care, my family. So what if I die? Less mouth to feed. Less annoyance in their life.

Annoyance. Yup. I view myself as a big annoyance to my family. Most especially if my hormones will suddenly just decided that they will be on rage. I can't control myself. Whenever I am angry or irritable, they will get annoyed. And I can only reply "I can't help it! I wish I can control it. I wish na nag i-inarte lang ako!". 

But sadly, they will not understand. They don't want to understand. They don't even want to try to understand me. All I want is understanding. Is that too much to ask? Sadly for my family, yes.

I need help. Once I get a job, I will consult a specialist. This is affecting way too much of my personal life. I am always in an argument.

I need help. I need understanding. Please bear with me. 

Of decisions, goals, and dreams...

Have you tried setting a goal and deviate away from it?

I did. And I think this is one of my worst decision I made so far.

9 years ago, I've taken UPCAT. It was a memorable day for me because I felt that I am doing my family a big honor. Not only that, this is an entrance test for UP, which made me more nervous.
Questions like "Will I pass?" constantly hover in my mind alongside with the things I've reviewed the previous month. Not to mention, I have sore eyes as well.

Fast track to 2005. News came. If some students are so excited to tell their parents that they past, I just consoled and admitted to myself that I did not pass. My over-achieving mom just rant "Ba't di mo kasi ginalingan?". To which I answered "Hindi naman kasi ako kasing talino ni kuya. Wag mo ko igagaya sa kanya". I always have that convo with my mom whenever I failed at something. I know that she is not comparing me to my kuya. However, I can feel it. One example is when I failed to move on to the next level of the badminton tournament. I was so devastated. Yet, when I went home to tell it to my mom, she went full berserk! "Anong ginawa mo?! Ba't di mo kasi inayos. Natalo ka tuloy." Eh sa magaling yung kalaban ko." I replied while containing my tears. I am hurt, yes. I just know that my mom wants the best out of me. But, sometimes, even if I give 101 % in something, it really is not meant for me.

Now, for every UPCAT taker who did not pass, they have an option to just transfer after a year. Well, I can say that motivated me. However, I found out that if I transfer, they will just credit my NSTP subjects and PE. So I decided. No.

Wrong move.

I should have stick to my goal. Now, thoughts like What if I transferred?  I may have been able to pursue Mass Communication. Ending to my dream job working in News and Public Affairs.

Allow me to use Mountaineering here.

You see, goals can be likened to the summit or peak of the mountain. You start at the jump off. You must follow the trail.

But, what if, all of a sudden there is a fork in front of you? And the worst part is, you don't know which one is the right way? Either way you choose, it will lead you to the summit. But those 2 trails may lead you to a longer trail, while the other is shorter. Not to mention, the unpredictable weather up in the mountain. Are you properly geared?

Worst part is, are you really pursuing the mountain you think it is? Or is it a wrong mountain, just like what happened to Dr. Gideon Lasco of www.pinoymountaineer.com.

Forks represent your decisions. Will you trust your instinct to choose the right trail? Or are you going to check both trails and just back track? If we will attribute this to life, a wrong trail is like a detour. It may be not the right way. Nonetheless, it taught you some valuable lessons that you will carry on for the rest of your life.

Or, sometimes, wrong trail is like making a lot of decisions or doing a lot of things. But eventually, it will still lead to your goal. It may be the long way, but it offered life lessons to ponder on.

Sometimes, climbing a mountain needs a guide. Most specially, if you are not familiar with it. He will come in handy when you get lost.

Attributing it into our life. A guide is our mentor. Or someone close into our life that will teach us and guide us to the right path. It can be our family, friends,  church leader, anyone.

Mountain gears can be our family members and friends. You see, no one can live alone. We need other people to make us continue living. I always contest the "No man is an island" saying when I was a kid. I always tell myself, I don't need friends. All I need is myself and foods. Well, I was naive. I learned that as we grow older, we will meet a lot of new people. Some stays, some leave. But those who stay will be treasured for a lifetime, just like mountain gears.

I may not be in the right position to write this kind of post. At 24, I am still exploring my own mountain with its peak covered in clouds. I have encountered a fork, and I have chosen the long trail towards the peak. I am still lost in my own mountain, hacking my way out of the thorny bushes, creating my own trail. But I know, and I feel, I am nearing the summit.




Carmi Dolly Rose Bautista
San Jose del Monte, Bulacan
08-05-2013

Still wandering in Neverland...